“Sometimes the feelings inside of me get messy like dirt. And I like to clean things. Pretend the dirt is the feelings. This floor is my mind. That is called coping.”
— Suzanna Warrenn (Crazy Eyes), Orange is the New Black
“Just yesterday I found out I can’t sleep for a whole new set of reasons.”
— Michael Lee - Just Yesterday

I miss my dog.

My head hurts and my eyes hurt, the skin on my face is sensitive to the touch because all I’ve done today is wipe off tears and snot.

My dog got very sick yesterday. He started vomiting and was in too much pain to lie down on his stomach. We decided that if he was still that bad in the morning then we would take him to the vet. He was in bad shape, he was very, very sick—he hadn’t been that bad when he was in DKA (diabetic ketoacidosis, for those who aren’t diabetic or have diabetic dogs/cats/family), but it was just mystery vomiting. 

Sure enough, he wasn’t better in the morning and we went to the emergency vet at 5:45am. They wanted to hospitalize him and run diagnostics, but we were still tapped out from his last hospital stay and the many house problems that’d arisen in the months since then. We let them run diagnostics and held off on admitting him.

When all the bloodworm and x-rays came through, they gave us the run down. His x-rays were fine and normal. His blood work was a wreck. The only thing that could be attributed to the vomiting was his low electrolytes. He was showing symptoms for pancreatitis, an enlarged liver, and/or cancer  and he was anemic and he was in bad bad condition. 

He was really bad. Again, he hadn’t felt that horrible when he was in DKA and the boo was actually dying then. The run more tests would not only drain us, but it would have made Kingston sicker before he got better. Along with the diabetes and his rapid downward progression, it wouldn’t be the last time he got that sick. He was going to get sicker and sicker—he’d get better in between, like he always does, but he’d still get sicker.

So my mum decided to put him down. And I guess I rationalized myself into agreeing. 

It all happened so fast. We filled out the paperwork, they brought him back to the examination room for us and we pet him and cried on him. He was in so much pain though. Every touch past his shoulders made him whine and wince. The vet came to us with the anesthesia and administered it. Kingston passed before the shot was fully injected. It was hard to tell at first, because he’s not great at sitting up right and it was especially hard for him when he was so sick, so I thought he was just relaxed and sliding down onto his stomach, but he’d died, while I was holding him. 

It took a long time for that to sink in because it looked like he was taking a nap. Kingston took a lot of naps. It was hard to leave my puppy there. A part of me wished he wasn’t actually dead—that he’d survived it and pushed through like he had everything else. He was alive five minutes earlier and not even 24 hours before he was perfectly fine and happy. He was feeling so great that he ate all of his food and more! Then he just got so sick, so quickly… It all happened so quickly. 

And now that it’s all done, I’m wondering if we should have fought for him more. We were adamant about him not eating anything unusual and in replaying that day, nothing could have made him sick. He was blind and old, so he was under high supervision. 

But what if that was it? What if I’d just put my dog down because he ate pen ink? What if I’d put my dog down and he would have been fine if we’d just done the treatment? What if it was all too fast and my puppy was put down because we didn’t take the time to really think about the cause? My mom was a doctor and she’d had to put down three of her dogs from cancer or other good reasons, so she was ready to go at the first sign of trouble (his diabetes). I was supposed to be the one who told her to wait, to try and see if he got better, but I just cried in the corner and let my dog get killed. I’m the one who’s been saying since the start that he would be fine, that he was no weak little dog, that the odds were ever in his favor, and that he was getting better and better—but when it came down to the actual part where we decide to put him down… nothing.

And Kingston hated the vet. He was shaking the whole time he was there. He hates the vet. He should have been taken home, but we put him down in the place he hated most. He was probably scared and confused, along with in pain. 

It feels like we gave up on him and I really miss my dog. I miss my dog so much. He first got sick in my room, so it’s hard to sit in it. Now as it gets into the wee hours of the night, I’m missing the sound of his little, unsure paws coming into my room to get pet. He was a good boy and I can’t stop crying every time I walk into my room or into the kitchen where I held him in my lap for hours when he got sick.

I wish he could come back to me. 

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness but of power. They are messengers of overwhelming grief and of unspeakable love.”
— Washington Irving
“Forgive the trees
for the way they can’t stop shaking
even after all these years of practice.
Forgive yourself
for the days you don’t even want to try.”
— Y.Z, a dying art

(via internal-acceptance-movement)

senjukannon:

dangerbabegang:

thecrustychicano:

GAZA UNDER ATTACK NOW.

192 notes?

important world update:

Gaza + Palestine are under attack by Israel, death toll currently at 27 :(

This has been a long and destructive period between Israel + Palestine. If anyone has any reliable sources to learn more about what’s going on at this current moment, please let me know

Goddammit.

(via praxis89)

“Now “tribal trends” are totally “in.” You can walk into any store in the mall and see “Native” imagery everywhere. As a Native person, when I look at them, I can’t help but remember the not-so-distant past when my people weren’t allowed, by law, to wear these things. It’s such a constant reminder of the colonial power structures still in place. Back in the day, white people had the power to take away our culture, and now they have the power to wear it however they see fit. These are our images, our cultural symbols, yet we are completely powerless to have control over them.”
— Adrienne K. | Dear Christina Fallin 

(via wocinsolidarity)

Q

Anonymous asked:

The women of tumblr (especially the, oh so lovely SJWs) need to grow a thicker skin. I'm not saying ignore the horrible things said to them, but if it bothers them that much they could either: Hit the ignore button, block the user, keep scrolling, unfollowing said user or just close the computer and go outside if it bothers them that much.

A

shitrichcollegekidssay:

So, to paraphrase: “I’m not saying you should ignore it, but you should just ignore it.”

Besides your “advice” being unhelpful and contradictory, where do you suggest we go? Everything is tainted by sexism. If I was to ignore every problematic thing in the world, I’d have to ignore EVERYTHING. No thanks. I think I’ll stick to calling stuff out when I see it.

image

wazerwifles:

They call you a “sjw” because they don’t want to acknowledge you for what you are: a person talking about your lived experience. They don’t WANT trans people to talk about transphobia, they don’t WANT disbaled people to talk about ableism, they don’t WANT Jews to talk about antisemitism, they don’t WANT PoC to talk about racism. They call you a “sjw” to dismiss you and convince themselves that they’re right and you don’t know your own experiences.

(via dietaryfiber)

maarnayeri:

So this story pops up on my Facebook newsfeed and other iterations that insinuate equal hurt on both sides, to condemn each acts of brutality in the same fold, etc. This is a stance that many have chosen to take. This is no personal attack on Ari Shapiro (though I haven’t been a fan of his prior work, to say the least), but these headlines are grossly misleading and perpetuate the notion that this is an equally fought war and remaining neutral is best. It is not.
For starters, there is no “Israeli-Gaza border”. “Border” is a sanitized term that doesn’t even begin to exemplify the conditions under which Palestinians and Israelis are divided. What exists is an apartheid barrier and razor wire that restricts Palestinian mobility and has given way to declaring Gaza as the largest open air prison on Earth. Israelis however, do not have that repression in where they go and what they do. Palestinians have to get visas just to travel to and fro. There are military checkpoints criss crossed all throughout besieged Gaza. The West Bank has seen the highest rate of Palestinian demolished homes in the past several years to erect illegal Jewish settlements (but what’s the use of legality if it isn’t even enforced?). Thousands of Palestinians go without access to water, food and medical supplies (there’s even an official “diet” and calorie monitor on Gaza) and stand at the mercy of the Israeli government.
Hamas does none of this. Hamas doesn’t go into Tel Aviv and stop pregnant Israeli women at military checkpoints and allow them to die whilst in labor. Hamas doesn’t burn down Israeli primary agriculture and kill livestock. Hamas doesn’t have the political and monetary backing of the most powerful institutions on Earth. Hamas isn’t rooted in genocide and deliberate eradication of indigenous populations. Hamas didn’t go out to Lebanese refugee camps and kill hundreds of Israelis and brag about it in interviews. To go over the vast array of crimes committed by the Israeli government and IDF and not Hamas could easily lead into a dissertation. To compare the two, how they were formed and what their end goals are is flagrantly dishonest.
However, many Israel sympathizers seem intent on portraying Hamas as half of the problem and causing half the destruction. Statistics and fact however, point otherwise. Since the start of this entire situation, over 80 Palestinians have died (with the number escalating at tremendous proportion) and hundreds being admitted to hospitals for life threatening injuries. On the Israeli side, however no one has died and no one has been admitted to seek medical care.
Given these facts, its deplorable to suggest that they are “feeling the same fear”. The Israeli fear is largely hyperbolized, with no sustainable material destruction to call their own, whereas the Palestinian fear is rooted in historical context of military occupation, genocide, lack of infrastructure of international recourse for their demolished homes and being on the receiving end of ethnic supremacist violence for the past 66 years.
This article is lazy. Its the journalistic equivalent to holding one’s hand over their ears and eyes, forgoing all fact, surrounding context and masquerading apathy and carelessness as a reasoned egalitarian approach. To be crystal clear, to tackle this “conflict” (for the record, its no conflict, its the continued violence of a settler state upon the colonized) takes looking back to the days of Deir Yassin, Nakba and then on. This is hardly about the three missing Israeli boys. This isn’t retaliation or retribution. Its heightened violence with an ostensible justification and the pretext of more subtle violence that’s been imminent to the Zionist project.

maarnayeri:

So this story pops up on my Facebook newsfeed and other iterations that insinuate equal hurt on both sides, to condemn each acts of brutality in the same fold, etc. This is a stance that many have chosen to take. This is no personal attack on Ari Shapiro (though I haven’t been a fan of his prior work, to say the least), but these headlines are grossly misleading and perpetuate the notion that this is an equally fought war and remaining neutral is best. It is not.

For starters, there is no “Israeli-Gaza border”. “Border” is a sanitized term that doesn’t even begin to exemplify the conditions under which Palestinians and Israelis are divided. What exists is an apartheid barrier and razor wire that restricts Palestinian mobility and has given way to declaring Gaza as the largest open air prison on Earth. Israelis however, do not have that repression in where they go and what they do. Palestinians have to get visas just to travel to and fro. There are military checkpoints criss crossed all throughout besieged Gaza. The West Bank has seen the highest rate of Palestinian demolished homes in the past several years to erect illegal Jewish settlements (but what’s the use of legality if it isn’t even enforced?). Thousands of Palestinians go without access to water, food and medical supplies (there’s even an official “diet” and calorie monitor on Gaza) and stand at the mercy of the Israeli government.

Hamas does none of this. Hamas doesn’t go into Tel Aviv and stop pregnant Israeli women at military checkpoints and allow them to die whilst in labor. Hamas doesn’t burn down Israeli primary agriculture and kill livestock. Hamas doesn’t have the political and monetary backing of the most powerful institutions on Earth. Hamas isn’t rooted in genocide and deliberate eradication of indigenous populations. Hamas didn’t go out to Lebanese refugee camps and kill hundreds of Israelis and brag about it in interviews. To go over the vast array of crimes committed by the Israeli government and IDF and not Hamas could easily lead into a dissertation. To compare the two, how they were formed and what their end goals are is flagrantly dishonest.

However, many Israel sympathizers seem intent on portraying Hamas as half of the problem and causing half the destruction. Statistics and fact however, point otherwise. Since the start of this entire situation, over 80 Palestinians have died (with the number escalating at tremendous proportion) and hundreds being admitted to hospitals for life threatening injuries. On the Israeli side, however no one has died and no one has been admitted to seek medical care.

Given these facts, its deplorable to suggest that they are “feeling the same fear”. The Israeli fear is largely hyperbolized, with no sustainable material destruction to call their own, whereas the Palestinian fear is rooted in historical context of military occupation, genocide, lack of infrastructure of international recourse for their demolished homes and being on the receiving end of ethnic supremacist violence for the past 66 years.

This article is lazy. Its the journalistic equivalent to holding one’s hand over their ears and eyes, forgoing all fact, surrounding context and masquerading apathy and carelessness as a reasoned egalitarian approach. To be crystal clear, to tackle this “conflict” (for the record, its no conflict, its the continued violence of a settler state upon the colonized) takes looking back to the days of Deir Yassin, Nakba and then on. This is hardly about the three missing Israeli boys. This isn’t retaliation or retribution. Its heightened violence with an ostensible justification and the pretext of more subtle violence that’s been imminent to the Zionist project.

(via wocinsolidarity)